I keep saying it. The last four years now have been a blessing. I have been lifted out of darkness and life is so beautiful now. For a friend, I’m going to say this. Life is *A*MAZING!
SO many people have said–Wow you look great. You still are big. But, you look great. What does that mean exactly? In my eyes I am so much smaller than what I once was. I’m not 589 pounds anymore. I’m NOT.. So how can I still be big?? I’ve lost well over 300 pounds. How can I still be BIG? My inches are going down. The weight is going down. The clothes sizes are going down. I still wear big shirts to cover up. Cover up what you ask? The cruelty of success-Loose skin. SO let me warn you–It isn’t pretty!
I am so frustrated by it. I work out, feel strong. My arms are solid. I look at the body builders in the gym and look at their arms. I smile knowing some of the ladies have NOTHING on me……. But, yet they are in their tank tops showing off what they have worked so hard for. Yes I can show what I worked hard for via my shrinking self. Can I show off my arms? I am so proud of how defined they are. I am so proud of the muscle definition. I’m so proud there is not an ounce of fat left in them. Yet my friends–The skin. The loose skin is over whelming. When I take off my shirt I see my well defined arms, yet I also see what looks to me like a coat. We all have our worries with our bodies. But what do you do when your bodies just don’t fit you anymore?
It is so frustrating. I still am hiding every inch of me. I want to feel good about all my work. *I* DO!!!!! But, I want to *FEEL* good about it. Now, I have been talking to so many people who have started their weight loss path and they are worried about loose skin. I didn’t worry about it at first. It hasn’t been until the last year that it bothers me so much. I hate what I see when I see my body. It is a constant reminder of the darkness I lived in. It is a constant reminder of how much I hated myself. Someone asked me last week if the weight loss is worth it? Strangely I asked myself that on Tuesday. I am going to yell this (as loud as you can in a blog) IT IS WORTH EVERY OUNCE OF SWEAT. My life is so much better now. I can walk in the mountains. I can hike (I will get stronger at it). I am not trapped in my house waiting for night to come so I can go shopping without getting gawked at. Okay I still get looked at to some degree, but I am so much stronger and more confident that I can go shopping whenever I want.
Everyone has body image issues. Loose skin for someone that was morbidly obese and is nearing normal is a brutal reality. It is something people don’t talk about, because it isn’t pretty. There is hope. I know in my future I will find a way to have plastic surgery. I know that I can show off my hard work then. I will have scars. To me they will be beautiful reminders of the light that was brought back into my life. I love myself now, I love the people around me who confronted me in the first place, and I know they love me too. Most importantly I know that God has loved me in the darkness and out of the darkness. I see the light and the direction for my life .
Tonight–I see the strength in my arms. I felt them too (OUCH, thanks Matt Ellison). I see the beauty of well defined arms. Yet, I also see the loose skin. It is apart of me. I am working out and changing daily. I am thankful for my journey, as it has taught me so much. I see the beauty of the muscle, and I imagine the outline of what my arms will look like. For now, I am stuck with a reminder of my past. Again I want to make this clear, *I* DO NOT REGRET a moment of every day I have spent in the gym, every ounce of sweat that I have left on the floor, or out route at the 3Day, and every step I have taken to get stronger physically and mentally.
Tonight I celebrate the loose skin as a blessing NOT A CURSE. It is something that will be removed. It is temporary. Tonight I celebrate the hard work. Thanks to my trainer Matt Ellison–When I met you my upper body was broken down, and I could barely lift much of anything. Now I see my strength, inside and out. Thank you for your counsel. So tonight I am going to show off my arms, and the reminder of where I was. This is the cruelty of success truly. But also the vision of hope of how wonderful It WILL be soon enough. If you are losing weight and wondering if the loose skin will be an issue?? WHO cares. FINISH–GET STRONGER–LOVE YOURSELF–TRUST IN GOD–Believe that all things are possible. When you finish, worry then. But only then.